Letting Go of the ‘Shoulds’
Our brains are amazing, but sometimes they can develop little patterns that actually work against us—these are often called Thinking Traps or distorted thinking. We all fall into these traps occasionally, but building awareness of what they are and how they affect us is the first step toward a healthier, more peaceful outlook on life.
Today, let’s talk about one of the most common—and unhelpful—traps: the “Should Statement.”
The Problem with ‘Should’ Statements
Any time you use the word “should” (or “shouldn’t”), you might be falling into a distorted thinking pattern. These statements usually fall into two categories:
1. ‘Shoulds’ About Behavior Change
You’ve probably used one of these before: “I should have paid more attention” or “I shouldn’t have had that last piece of cake”. You might use “should” to motivate yourself to start something (“I should exercise more”) or stop something (“I should stop drinking so much”).
Here’s the catch: using “should” statements rarely motivates you to change. Instead, they tend to leave you feeling like a failure. If you already feel defeated, how likely are you to enthusiastically tackle a new challenge or behavior? Not very!
2. ‘Shoulds’ About Feelings
Using “should” with your feelings is often a sign that you are ignoring or denying how you genuinely feel about a situation. When you tell yourself, “I shouldn’t be so upset about this,” or “This shouldn’t make me so anxious,” you are invalidating your own emotional experience. Instead of helping, this just pushes your true feelings away.
Trading ‘Should’ for ‘Insight’
So, should you never say “should?” Not exactly! The goal is to avoid or limit the word in your life, but the first step is simply noticing when you are ‘should-ing’ yourself. Are you trying to change a behavior or a feeling?
If it’s about behavior change:
If there is a pattern, such as trying to motivate yourself to reduce alcohol or food intake, or increase healthy behaviors like physical activity, start by evaluating your readiness. Ask yourself two powerful questions:
- Is this something I really want to change?
- Is this something I am ready to change?
If the answer to both is yes, you can move forward and create a plan for change using SMART goals (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, and Time-bound).
If the answer to one or both is “no,” perhaps it’s time to stop the cycle of guilt and either let go of that specific goal or better prioritize your change efforts.
If it’s about feelings:
Instead of denying or minimizing what you feel, use the “should” statement as an opportunity to build insight and explore the root cause. Ask yourself a curious, non-judgmental question to identify the source of the emotion:
“What is it about this situation that is so upsetting to me?”
This shift from denial to exploration helps you understand yourself better.
Having trouble identifying your thinking traps or working through these patterns? We can help! Give us a call at 231-715-8466, text at 231-715-1491 or click here to get started.